PDQ Film and Television Reviews

by Assorted and Sundry Rabble Rousers

• 2002 MTV Movie Awards Theme: "Movies Kick Ass." They do. And so do co-presenters Jack Black and Buffy.—KMH

• About a Boy Charming: the boy Marcus. Disarming: the boyish Hugh. Alarming: junior high, "Lorena Bobbit for Surgeon General," and the mournful mama Marcus has on suicide watch. Barmy Brits and karmic bits make it "smooth and winning."—KMH

• Blue Crush North Shore, but with girls.—LAG

• The Bourne Identity Ready. Set. Go! Ms. Potente sprints through Run Lola Run, then dashes with the dashing Matt Damon in Doug Liman's stylin' international thriller. Next film out, Franka says relax! Or at least she should.—KMH

• Eight Legged Freaks Add Arachnaphobia and Tremors, subtract all campy humor and Kevin Bacon and you end up with Eight Legged Freaks. A poor excuse for a "camp classic," it has very little going for it other than a stylized marketing campaign. The most entertaining thing about the entire ninety minutes was the guy who sat behind me interjecting comments like: "They cocooned his ass." If only someone would have cocooned the asses of the filmmakers I would have been spared this lame mutant spider mess.—LAG

• Insomnia These are the questions that keep me wide-awake. What happened to Paul Dooley? He disappears at some point in the movie. Why did Hilary Swank go to an only just released suspect's home without backup? Why do grown men reference Star Wars in daily conversation? (Okay, Nicky Katt's Obi Wan bit is funny.)—KMH

• Lilo & Stitch Orphans! Aliens! Elvis! It doesn't get more American "ohana" than that.—KMH

• Minority Report Tom Cruise falls into The Gap—my favorite uniform supply store. Steven Spielberg does his utmost not to fall into his usual sentimentality trap. The total recall of long-ago plot twists (Witness, The Fugitive), however, mars its futuristic sheen.—KMH

• Spider-Man Tobey Maguire begins with the non sequitur, the story is "all about a girl." It isn't. Spider-Man is about the marvels of a comic book hero "who swings through the air with the greatest of ease." J.K. Simmons as the Daily Bugle publisher J. Jonah Jameson appears almost animatronic. And that's a compliment.—KMH



• Spider-Man (A 2nd Opinion) Every time Tobey Maguire appeared, I kept waiting for him to pull out his Cider House Rules medical bag. He just could not sell me on the Clark Kent persona since he looks about ten years old, however, once the costume went on (and the body double stepped in) Spiderman came to life. About halfway through, when Macy Gray makes her cameo, you notice she is the only minority that stands out. From the stars down to the extras, diverse New York City is turned into Provo, Utah. The story is great and the special effects are well done. George Lucas needs to take a look at this movie. Memo to George: less special effects, more story! By far the best part was the Green Goblin and psycho man Willem Dafoe. Every time he came on screen you are instantly aware of just how good an actor he is. Like Nicholson's Joker, Dafoe's Green Goblin fit his personality well. You may have noticed I did not mention James Franco. My only hope is that he retires from acting before the sequel.—John J. Cappa

Editor's Note: Commentary regarding Kristen [sic] Dunst in a wet tee-shirt and cheerleading movies ". . . this is where she excels" has been omitted due to the reviewer's obvious unawareness of Ms. Dunst's fine body of work, e.g., crazy/beautiful, Dick, E.R., and The Virgin Suicides, to name of few.

Additionally, the reviewer clearly was not an avid follower of Freaks and Geeks, in which James Franco did his best James Dean.

• Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron Executed with sweeping animation and minimal dialogue, Spirit is a rousing retelling of the settling of the old west, told from the point of view of a wild mustang whose spirit cannot be broken.—CPD

• Star Wars - Episode II: Attack of the Clones Blasphemy! I'm not a fan of the Star Wars series (see Dramatica analysis Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace). This time out, however, I am impressed with ILM's galactic extravaganza—the celestial cityscapes, the hallucinogenic-induced creatures, Amidala's couture. The Anakin/Amidala love story? Loathsome. Hayden Christensen's soul-deadening delivery of the cliché riddled dialogue? Excruciating.—KMH

• Tweaked Out: The Salton Sea Val Kilmer, sporting a faux-hawk and a big tattoo of the titular eerie landscape, portrays a meth addict, a snitch, a jazz musician or all three in this wannabe Tarantino meets Trainspotting po-mo mess. It poses the question: Who is this man and why is he so tortured? My answer: Who cares?—LAG