Screenplay Competition Semi-Finalist

Nelson: Rock and Roll Detectives

by

Jay Barba and Brian Farrelly

Fade In:

EXT. INDUSTRIAL WATERFRONT -- DAY

A Lincoln Town Car pulls up to a waterfront dock. 2 Mobsters get out, scan to see if anyone's watching, then open the trunk.

Mobster #1

Eh, Vito, looka dis friggin' clown.

Inside we see a CIRCUS CLOWN tied up with duct tape across his mouth and a frown painted over it.

Mobster #1

You know ever since I was a kid I hated clowns, but dis guy here? He somehow seems funny ta me.

Mobster #2

He sure does, but only why isn't he smilin' any?

Mobster #1
(to clown)

Eh, whatsamatter? We don't make you laugh no more? I recall ya thinking we was comedians when we said we were taking over your Circus and Party Clown Union?

Mobster #2

You and your clown buddies thought we wuz hilarious, didn't ya? Laughin' and honkin' ya tiny bike horns!

CU of Clown shaking his head back and forth.

Mobster #1

Well, we'll see how funny you think it is when you're clownin' around at the bottom of the river.

Mobster #2

Let's dunk this doughnut!

The mobsters try to pull the clown out of the trunk, but his giant clown shoes get caught on the side.

Mobster #1

How'd we jam this guy in here before?

Mobster #2

Hey! Let's blow his feet off.

Mobster #1

Are you a friggin' genius or what?

The mobsters draw their guns, but are suddenly distracted by the sound of music heard off in the distance.

Mobster #2

Hey. You hear somethin'?

Mobster #1

Yeah...It's like...Heavy Metal...Only not so heavy.

Mobster #2

Where's it comin' from?

As the mobsters scan the deserted waterfront, the music grows louder and is joined by the buzzing sound of scooter engines.

Mobster #1

Look!

Framed by a sunset, MATTHEW and GUNNAR NELSON make a triumphant entrance on their Vespa scooters, wearing spandex pants, fringed denim jackets and huge bandannas on their heads (though their long, golden locks flow freely in the breeze). Strapped to the handlebars of their scooters are small boom boxes blaring their song "After the Rain." They ride up to the mobsters and simultaneously eject the tapes then place the cassettes in their front jacket pockets.

Gunnar

I'm afraid your little scheme ends right here fellas.

Matthew

Let Mr. Whoopee go and nobody gets hurt.

Mobste r#2 looks down at the clown in the trunk.

Mobster #2

Are these guys from your clown union?

Mobster #1

I didn't think they had no transvestite clowns too.

Gunnar

Very funny, but I know someone who won't find this situation too funny.

Matthew

Besides us.

Gunnar

Yes, besides us. And that's the local police force.

Matthew

Although I'm sure they have an adequate sense of humor.

Mobster #1

Wait a minute...I know dese guys. They're those rock&roll detectives I saw on VH-1's "Where Are They Now?"

Mobster #2

Yeah?

Mobster #1

Yeah. Used to be big superstars on the MTV and everything.

Mobster #2

Uh...I stopped watching MTV when VJ's stopped having last names.

Mobster #1

Only now they can't get arrested.

Mobster #2

And they wanna arrest us?

The mobsters laugh, but then hear police sirens in distance.

Mobster #2

Uh-oh...

Mobster #1

So what? Should we kill em or run?

Mobster #2

Ah, I'm getting bored with all the killing. Let's say we run this time.

The mobsters make a run for it. Matthew and Gunnar start their scooters, play the cassettes in their boom boxes and pursue them, but soon split up, with Matthew following one mobster into an abandoned waterfront building.

INT. ABANDONED WATERFRONT BUILDING -- DAY

Matthew dismounts his scooter (gymnastics style), turns off his boom box and surveys the room.

Matthew

Give up now, while you still have the chance...You're just making it harder on yourself in the long run.

Mobster #1

See, this is why we usually end up with the killing.

Mobster #2

Maybe if you's could run a little faster, we'd a gotten away.

Mobster #1

You could use some time on a treadmill yourself, eh?!

They both feign slapping each other with the back of their hand and shout Italian curses at each other.

Mobster #2

Bastardo!

 

Mobster #1

Pompino!

Mobster #2

Cabeza de mierda!

 

Mobster #1

Vaffanculo puttana!!!

Suddenly remembering Matthew is there, they draw their guns.

Matthew
(laughs)

I'm afraid you've both fallen into my rather elaborate trap, fellas.

The mobsters lower their guns and look at each other.

Matthew

For, contrary to what you may think, I'm not Matthew Nelson at all, but...

Music swells as Matthew grabs the top of his hair and pulls off a synthetic face mask ala Mission Impossible 2.

Gunnar

...Am in fact Gunnar Nelson. You've been bested in this game of wits.

Mobster #2

...This guy's gotta screw loose.

The real Matthew Nelson suddenly crashes in on his scooter through a plasterboard wall.

Matthew

I'm afraid whatever you say about my twin brother, goes double for me.

Mobster #2

They're both nuttier than almond Biscotti.

Gunnar

Have we toyed with'em enough bro?

Matthew

Yeah, let's get down to business.

Matthew reveals a leather pouch covered with Native American insignias and pulls out an eagle feather. Matthew and Gunnar then join hands and spin in a circle while holding the feather.

Matthew & Gunnar

Hiawatha no cadawada boo.

The room is engulfed in purple smoke and the sound of Indian drums as the ethereal form of CHIEF BITTER EAGLE materializes.

Chief Bitter Eagle

Why Nelson summon Chief Bitter Eagle away from spirit world? Me just about put moves on Sachejewia.

Gunnar

Sorry Chief but we need a little help.

Mobster #1

Where the hell did Tonto come from?!

Gunnar

He's an ancient Indian shaman.

Matthew

Who inhabits a magic eagle feather.

Gunnar

We bought from the gift shop at Foxwoods Casino.

Matthew

Now do your stuff Chief.

Chief Bitter Eagle
(disinterested)

Ah...fine. I transform you into ... enchanted wolf.

Chief Bitter Eagle zaps Gunnar and he morphs into a wolf.

Chief Bitter Eagle

And you I turn into sacred...eagle.

Chief Bitter Eagle zaps Matthew and he morphs into a Bald Eagle. Nelson then attack in their animal forms. Matthew flies over to Mobster#1 and pecks his gun, which accidentally pulls the trigger, shooting the pistol out of Mobster#2's hand. Gunnar then pounces on Mobster#2 and tears into the ass of his pants as Matthew pecks at Mobster#1's face.

Mobster #1

Argghhh! Stop!! I'm deathly afraid a birds! Arghhhh!!

Mobster #2

And I'm allergic to dog hair and Ah...choo!... Dander! We give up!

EXT. ABANDONED WATERFRONT BUILDING -- EVENING

Minutes later, Nelson are back in human form tying the mobsters up. Chief Bitter Eagle floats above them.

Chief Bitter Eagle

Now don't bother me again unless it's something important. Us shamans can't be on call 24/7 you know.

Chief Bitter Eagle's spirit form returns to Matthew's pouch just as police cars roll up. The cops emerge, led by POLICE SGT. (who's Black, but speaks in a thick Irish accent).

Police Sgt.

We'll take it from here Nelson. Me an the boys are grateful to ya for gettin' these ethnic stereotypes off the streets though. And I know another bunch o'folks who're indebted to ya as well.

A VW Bug pulls up with its muffler backfiring loudly.

Police Sgt.

The boys of Circus and Party Clown Union Local 252.

The car door opens up and a platoon of clowns falls out.

Gunnar

Thanks Sgt., but we're not in this for the glory and admiration.

Matthew

That's what our music's for.

Gunnar

Speaking of which, we've got a concert to perform in...

Gunnar looks at his watch (which has a picture of a Nelson album cover on the face plate).

Gunnar

Matthew! Time to rock!

Matthew looks down at his watch too.

Matthew

Bro!... We better motor!!

Matthew and Gunnar jump on their scooters and ride off.

Credits roll over Nelson riding through the city, intercut with ridiculous scenes (them doing kung-fu moves and chin-ups, but also washing their hair and cleaning out the litter box). They drive up and into a VFW hall (sign outside says "8:00 - Nelson, In Concert", "9:00 - AA Meeting"), then ride up onto the stage. Credits continue over concert footage of them rocking out onstage to the sound of a cheering crowd.

Please note: 4 more 411: liebography@yahoo.com